CELIBACY (an Acrostic Piece)

CELIBACY

Castrating my emotions by
Eliminating my sexual encounters because
Licking leads them to loving and I am
Incapable of loving them back so I
Bind my desires in activity and
Allow access only to my shallowest parts because
Constant flirtations with mediocrity leave me
Yearning for something that will touch my soul

... So I Wait ...

Fire

SHE ABANDONED ME (Love's Down Side Challenge)

SHE ABANDONED ME
(Love's Down Side Challenge)

I loved her
with everything in me
I loved her

I met her and I knew
that she would forever change my life
and she did

with the sweetest words
she rewrote my love realities
feeding me gentle kisses
and opening my soul
with her musings of we

she convinced me to
let down my guard
trust her like no other
she freed me from the bonds of
fear
hesitancy
and uncertainty

then that bitch ...
turned on me
even as she sang sweet songs to me
she was betraying our reality
with her singular pursuits
she destroyed my happiness
left me confused and unbalanced

all because she could no longer see
the viability of we

and I hate her
with every fiber of my soul
I hate her

the way she said my name
like no other
the way she fed me lies
like they were sweet pecan pies
the way she wrapped my heart
around her every single finger

only to leave me laying on the floor
heart broken
spirit bruised
soul in pieces
because she was really only a facsimile
of the love she pretended to offer me

and I hate her
with every fiber in my soul
I hate her

the way she used my weakness
to undermine me
used my secret desires
to unwind me
the way she used love
to seduce me into her web

only to abandon me
to empty memories tied to
soul searching uncertainties
as I struggle to create a new reality
outside of the one love seduced me into
and that bitch shattered so selfishly

and I hate her
with every fiber in my soul
I hate her

lovingly

Fire
08.19.08

CHANGELING

CHANGELING

I used to be
someone else
not physically but
spiritually

I used to prey on others
use their weaknesses
to get what I wanted
until one day ...
things changed

one day I bit an apple
with a worm that turned
and my transformation
was borne

I can't tell you why
that apple
on THAT day
changed my life
all I can tell you, is that it did

Now I spend my days
trying to make amends
if not towards the ones I've hurt
then by helping someone else

paying back to anyone
what I would have done to everyone
had I not changed
had God not changed me

but I wonder if
when I meet Him
He will see the sincerity in my heart
even though I know I will have to pay
for the sins I committed

and I will gladly pay the price
because I see clearly what a predator I was
but there is a trace of fear
fear born from knowing how badly
I treated others, mistreated them

but I move forward
doing what I can to make amends
in this life
before I am held accountable for my wrongs

and I hope that in the end
my life will show that
once I saw the error of my ways
I did enough good to make peace
with the many wrongs I did to others

Fire
01.08.08

EVER CHANGING

EVER CHANGING

I see her over there ...
trying to be the person
others want her to be
but the change in her is
superficial at best
she isn't a better person
with a better outlook on life
she is the same person
with a new mask on her face
covering the ugliness inside
but no one sees it but me

she says this new love
is the best love
and that everything she's done
has been for the betterment of them
and yet, I don't believe it
see, change made for another
can only be temporary
and as fleeting as that love will surely be
so will these new changes she's making

she's an opportunist
and right now, opportunity is knocking
and begging her to pretend to be someone else
but she doesn't see it
I mean, I've tried to broach the topic
but she simply isn't hearing me
she's even called me jealous
so I let it be
but the end,
and i see it approaching,
will be an interesting one

And do you know
she's even joined church
I mean, I have no issue with religion
I think it's a personal matter but
she's a damn atheist
or at least she was until this latest incarnation
required her to love and embrace God
the hell and damnation from this pretend game
I don't even want to see
but like the end, I see it coming

so I've moved myself out of the way
taken a seat on the sidelines of her life
even as a part of me
the neverending optimistic part
hopes I am truly mistaken and that she
is exactly who she says she is
but hell
I'm a realist too
and reality states that what smells wrong
and looks wrong and sounds wrong
usually is

...but still

Fire
01/08/08

I SEE, SHE SAYS

I SEE, SHE SAYS

I see her standing
alone
under the misguided illusion
that she is part of something
bigger than her past singularities

I see her wishing
that she could make some things
different or better or ... more
but she isn't seeing the big picture
only the small snapshot she took
when first that other came her way

I see her slowly dying
spiritually at least
trying to make a silk purse
out of that sow's ear
and she berates herself every time
she suffers a setback or takes a misstep

I see her struggling
to make sense out of nonsense
and find peace even as she resides
at the center of chaos in it's truest form
but still she tries

I see her slowly folding in
shutting down the parts of her
that are fragile and gentle and kind
because for reasons I can't define
she'd rather exist partially in the midst
than alone on the outside

and that is truly her reality
this need to exist inside a nonexistent state
of misrepresented intentions
and misplaced affections
but still ... she remains

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I am swimming
upstream in the midst of a storm
but I can't figure out another way

more than anything
I want her to be who she told me she was
not this ugly thing
that breathes in my goodness
and spews out harsh criticisms
and empty promises

I want to be respected
because I am good and kind
and not mistreated for those same things

I want her to see me clearly
and to acknowledge my worth
not push me aside and belittle my offerings
as if they aren't worthy of more

I want to escape the falsehoods she used
to call me to her and keep me there
until I was beyond the point of no return
and felt an obligation to stay and fight
for what she seems to treat so carelessly

I want to run away from her
without worrying about how she will
survive the storms of life
or how she will find her way on the darkest days
I want that not to be my concern

I want to not care if she cares
and not want her to want me to stay
I want to be freed
from this self-imposed sense of responsibility
that her illusory self seduced me to accept

and I wonder if I will be here this time next year
less myself than I am now
because she has stolen more of my goodness
and left nothing there in it's place
you see ... sometimes
... all I can find the strength to do
is wonder and hope and pray
for a new outcome
to this old and now familiar dance

Fire
01/07/08

NEVERMORE

NEVERMORE

I braced myself
preparing for another onslaught
of your disappointment in me
or some unsolicited criticism
in regard to my ever growing list
of shortcomings

but it was for naught
it seems that today your harsh words
are having a very different affect on me
seems I don't really feel anything
even though this barage is more harsh
than the many before it

I hear you
every word you speak
is being recorded in my mental
but it seems to be missing it's true target
... my spirit

I have been freed
no longer do I care if I disappoint you
no longer does it matter if I fall short
of your expectations
and no longer do your words
affect me ... wound me ... hurt me

but you continue to speak
and I realize just how blind and unaware
you truly are
never once has it really been about me
and my countless faults
but rather
it's about you and your need to
stand on my back so that you can feel
taller ... stronger ... better

but no more
I am done with this verbal warfare
and I am removing myself
from the battlefield of your
externalized self-hatred

you see ... today I am freeing myself
and allowing you to truly experience life
without me to blame or malign
and no longer will I take your calls
or value your opinion
because your words were nothing more than
poison ... slowly killing me

but today I say .... nevermore
nevermore will you stand as I tumble
nevermore will you smile as I weep
nevermore will you exist as I fade away
because today and forevermore
... I am freed

Fire
01/07/08

WITHIN A MOMENT

WITHIN A MOMENT

In a moment of clarity
and in the midst of quiet reflection
I had an epiphany

see, from the first moment I can remember
I've wanted more from you
than you were ever able to give me

wanting you to hold me
and read to me
and put me to sleep
but never getting any of those things

wanting you to be proud of me
and excited about my achievements
seemed far too much to ask of you
so I silently wished
and desperately prayed

I watched my friends with longing
escaping to their homes so that I could at least see
what it was like to be loved and adored
openly and demonstratively

only to return home to you
a mother who had nothing to give me
but stern admonishments
and firm guidance without even a glimmer
of affection

never hugging me or kissing me
never telling me you were proud of me
never making me feel like I was enough
or that I was deserving and worthy

you failed me
emotionally you gave me nothing
and now ...
as a grown woman contemplating motherhood
I get it

it was never a rejection of me
but rather you doing what you knew to do
it was never that I wasn't enough
but rather that you had nothing more to give me
and now I see

that even parents make mistakes
and sometimes they really don't have the answers
I learned that sometimes love is given in the way that it can be
even if it isn't in the way that it's needed

so I accept you
as you are and will always be
without condemnation or judgement
I love you ... unconditionally and without resentment
and I promise myself
that I will love my children in all the ways I needed
and not in the way I was taught

Fire
03/12/08

GRACEFUL SUBMISSION

GRACEFUL SUBMISSION

gracefully and humbly I tumbled into...
the reality of you and I and the evolution of we
never believing it was possible to be loved
in the same unconditional manner in which I gave it
I refused to acquiesce my emotional safety
to anyone that wasn't my spiritual equal

then along came you
your cognizance and spiritual awareness left me
speechless and completely in awe

you viewed me as your soul mate long before I
realized you were aware of me
gifted with the ability to see my spirit
you viewed me as the paradigm for spiritual perfection
and all who came before me were nugatory in comparison

I was overwhelmed by your desire for me

so used to being relegated to an ancillary level
... I was left speechless in the face of your declaration
that I was God created to be your Queen

I was unprepared for the level of faith you had in me

reading my words ... viewing them as a gift to be used
for His good ... you desired to assist me in ascending
to the level you were certain I was meant to attain
so I reveled in the evolution of we
... rested in your unconditional love for me

I took your hand, placed my trust in you ... and we stood

Together we traveled the bridge to nowhere
only this time ... there was a destination at the end
a place full of blue skies and beautiful clouds
a place for us to rest and be and grow and love

realization finally dawned on me as we embarked on this journey

it was never a bridge to nowhere
... I was simply unable to see it's reality
so mired was I in the misery of imagined failures
... I couldn't see the true worth of the journey
awaiting me at the end ... so I thank you ... my forever

for the clarification of you and I
and the reality of ... We

Lyrehc
(Fire)
08.24.06

DEFINITION OF WE

DEFINITION OF WE

I can tell you who I am
and I am sure I know who you are
so let me define ... the essence of we

I breathe in, you breathe out
we breathe in unison
I move left, you move right
we move forward
I dream and forget, you dream and remember
we dream and comprehend
black and white with sepia tones
but technicolor are we
flying above the crowds of misery
choosing to create our own reality
where you and I don't exist
only we

barely remembered memories
of the time when you and I existed
outside of we and in total misery
incomprehensible to travel back
forward and united the only option of we
so I come to you with a desire to
clarify
dignify
magnify
the reality that was once separate
but is now simply defined by the essence
of we

LYREHC
(Fire)
08.14.06

BOUND

BOUND

I am wrapped in chains
Bound
To something I can’t see or hear
I am stuck in this place
Glued to this spot
And the reason for that escapes me
So I stand here, in this spot
Bound
And unable to see my way free
Tied to the illusions
Of this illusory place
And the limitations I can’t quite see
Freedom has to be attainable
And yet I have no idea how to be
Free in my movements in my actions
Free to think myself out of this place
Bound
And desperate to be free
As the chains tighten around me
Constricting with every twist and turn
Refusing to let me go
And my mind is succumbing as well
To the reality of being trapped
Bound
By unseen restrictions and expectations
Bound
To this Never place, the Always place
Of limitations and boundaries
Bound
By those who claimed to know what was best for me
Long before they ever saw me
Bound
Because they want something better for me
Want me to be free to think and be whatever I want
But that can never be achieved
Because in their desperation to keep me safe
With their good intentions and far sightedness
They only achieved one thing
Me … restrained, restricted, repressed
In the name of my freedom they have me
Bound

Lyrehc
(Fire)
10.10.06

ADORATION

ADORATION

I adore you
yes ... that's what I said
and yes ... I know what it means
to worship or honor as divine
to regard with loving admiration and devotion
so yes baby ... I repeat
I adore you

you stand before me
choosing me, needing me, wanting me
and I feel anointed by your love for me

time formerly viewed as wasted
now feels perfectly necessary to facilitate
my evolution into the woman you would deem
worthy of your love and affection

I was once held captive
under the tyranny of unhappy disillusion
but you bartered for my freedom
by promising my heart that this time
would be the right time

you persuaded me to deviate
from my commitment to remain in exile
devoid of love and happiness .. but also pain

with gentle urgings you persuaded me
to open the door and let you in

touching me with soul kisses
you clarified my reality and imbued me
with a desire to be your vision of me ... of we

looking at me
as if I am the most revered woman of all
desiring me
as if my beauty were truly incomparable to any other
holding me
in the highest esteem I've ever experienced
... you woo me

sweetly, softly, seductively
you pull out of me emotions I didn't know existed
I stand before you
raining emotive declarations of my love upon you
so that you can see what I feel

me needing you to join with me
on a cellular level
so that words will cease to be necessary
wanting to clarify any misconceptions you may have
as to the depth of my commitment to us
my dedication to we

so I am here ... before you
the physical manifestation of my inner self
my love for you laid out bare and naked
and I whisper to you
lovingly, passionately and sincerely

I Adore You

Lyrehc
(Fire)
08.14.06

DICHOTOMY

DICHOTOMY

I am stronger than steel
and as fragile as hand spun glass
I am outspoken and loud
while quietly keeping my words inside
I refuse to be mistreated
as I soothe my emotional bruises
I am a survivor of life
even as I pick up my victim mantra
I scream so that I can be
unseen and ignored
I run forward so that I can
go back to where I first started
I climb higher and higher
so that I can stay on the bottom
I am fearless in the face of death
even as I beg life to never leave me
I surround myself with people
so that I can be completely alone

I am dichotomies existing
a mix of contradictions
releasing my hold on the opposites
so that reality can take hold
with no fear of the other side
the side that would cancel it out
choosing to be one with logic
and apart from the opposing sides
of my dichotomy ridden life

FIRE
06.27.06

WOUNDED

WOUNDED

I am tired
battered and worn
by the repeated attempts
to connect
with a like mind
a kindred spirit if you will

solitary by nature
I still venture out from time to time
in the hopes that I might find
a place my heart can rest
and my spirit can be renewed
but that place is hidden from me

could it be that I am
unworthy?
undeserving?
unprepared?
I can't continue to reach out my hand
only to find myself alone
left to pick up the pieces of myself
I allowed to be exposed

the brief interludes of happiness
the glimpses of peace
aren't worth what each encounter
takes from me
my heart looks like a map
and in some ways it is just that
the map of my heartache
of my trials and tribulations

I am wounded
like a soldier caught in the crossfires
I am ducking and dodging
the mortar shells of pain
trying to find that shelter I hear so much of
the one where love is held
and nurtured and is allowed to grow
into the beautiful reality
I seek ... desperately
but it remains elusive
... unavailable to me

so I bandage the wounds
so that the damage is virtually
undetectable
trying to heal the scars
and I wait, hope nearly gone,
for she to come to me
so that my new reality can be born
from the remains of destruction
and disappointment
and dimming hope

FIRE
07.10.06

I COULDN'T BREATHE

I COULDN'T BREATHE

I woke up this morning
and i couldn't breathe

my mind was overcome with thoughts
of saying goodbye to you
unsure how the end got here but certain
things will never be the same
and I couldn't seem to focus on
anything

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

because somewhere along the way
you became more than my love
you became my life ... my reason
my existence directly tied to you
and your presence in my life
but now, you are forever
gone

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

going through the motions of life
but no longer living it
I am a shadow of what I used to be
a hollow reminder of what we could have been
and I take a step towards nothing
because you are no longer at the other end of my
reality

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

I am dead on the inside
no longer capable of seeing the colors of happiness
or hearing the sounds of living
incapable of smelling the sweetness life used to offer
because my senses were heightened by you
my love, my life, my one ... and you are forever gone
see ... last night we talked and we cried and we said
goodbye

yesterday we stopped pretending that WE
was still a viable option and accepted that you and I
was all that was left
so we parted, separated, ended
and I found myself all alone in my bed
weeping for unrealized dreams and unreached potential
and I told myself that I would be fine ...
that I would survive
but this morning I found out
that I was lying to myself

see, when I woke up this morning
I couldn't breathe
because my reason for living
was gone from me

Fire
10.16.06

DIMMING

DIMMING

today I feel like a spot
buried in a see of spots
unnoticed and unremarkable
overlooked and overshadowed

I woke up this morning feeling
different ... for me at least
and as the day has gone on
the feeling has grown into this
mountain of unspoken
and unacknowledged
and untapped emotions

I want to lie on the floor and cry
or throw myself at your feet and weep
oh wait, same thing ... see what I mean?

I feel like I am on a train to nowhere
taking a flight from my home and back
making useless tracks towards nothing
and I have no idea when this feeling
began ... started ... appeared

I am gripped by a sense of nothingness
I feel insignificant and unimportant
like I am the only one in the world
with no purpose or direction
like I am not worthy of having either really

I am tired and I am weary and I am sad
deep, bone deep, soul wrenching sad
the kind that makes you want to cry til you are
dry on the inside ... bereft of emotions

I've tried to find the source
the beginning point for this ugly feeling
but I have yet to locate it
and my desire to find it is waning
... dimming like an overly used bulb
in this life lamp I was placed in

Fire
03.22.07