WITHIN A MOMENT

WITHIN A MOMENT

In a moment of clarity
and in the midst of quiet reflection
I had an epiphany

see, from the first moment I can remember
I've wanted more from you
than you were ever able to give me

wanting you to hold me
and read to me
and put me to sleep
but never getting any of those things

wanting you to be proud of me
and excited about my achievements
seemed far too much to ask of you
so I silently wished
and desperately prayed

I watched my friends with longing
escaping to their homes so that I could at least see
what it was like to be loved and adored
openly and demonstratively

only to return home to you
a mother who had nothing to give me
but stern admonishments
and firm guidance without even a glimmer
of affection

never hugging me or kissing me
never telling me you were proud of me
never making me feel like I was enough
or that I was deserving and worthy

you failed me
emotionally you gave me nothing
and now ...
as a grown woman contemplating motherhood
I get it

it was never a rejection of me
but rather you doing what you knew to do
it was never that I wasn't enough
but rather that you had nothing more to give me
and now I see

that even parents make mistakes
and sometimes they really don't have the answers
I learned that sometimes love is given in the way that it can be
even if it isn't in the way that it's needed

so I accept you
as you are and will always be
without condemnation or judgement
I love you ... unconditionally and without resentment
and I promise myself
that I will love my children in all the ways I needed
and not in the way I was taught

Fire
03/12/08