I SEE, SHE SAYS

I SEE, SHE SAYS

I see her standing
alone
under the misguided illusion
that she is part of something
bigger than her past singularities

I see her wishing
that she could make some things
different or better or ... more
but she isn't seeing the big picture
only the small snapshot she took
when first that other came her way

I see her slowly dying
spiritually at least
trying to make a silk purse
out of that sow's ear
and she berates herself every time
she suffers a setback or takes a misstep

I see her struggling
to make sense out of nonsense
and find peace even as she resides
at the center of chaos in it's truest form
but still she tries

I see her slowly folding in
shutting down the parts of her
that are fragile and gentle and kind
because for reasons I can't define
she'd rather exist partially in the midst
than alone on the outside

and that is truly her reality
this need to exist inside a nonexistent state
of misrepresented intentions
and misplaced affections
but still ... she remains

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I am swimming
upstream in the midst of a storm
but I can't figure out another way

more than anything
I want her to be who she told me she was
not this ugly thing
that breathes in my goodness
and spews out harsh criticisms
and empty promises

I want to be respected
because I am good and kind
and not mistreated for those same things

I want her to see me clearly
and to acknowledge my worth
not push me aside and belittle my offerings
as if they aren't worthy of more

I want to escape the falsehoods she used
to call me to her and keep me there
until I was beyond the point of no return
and felt an obligation to stay and fight
for what she seems to treat so carelessly

I want to run away from her
without worrying about how she will
survive the storms of life
or how she will find her way on the darkest days
I want that not to be my concern

I want to not care if she cares
and not want her to want me to stay
I want to be freed
from this self-imposed sense of responsibility
that her illusory self seduced me to accept

and I wonder if I will be here this time next year
less myself than I am now
because she has stolen more of my goodness
and left nothing there in it's place
you see ... sometimes
... all I can find the strength to do
is wonder and hope and pray
for a new outcome
to this old and now familiar dance

Fire
01/07/08