CHANGELING

CHANGELING

I used to be
someone else
not physically but
spiritually

I used to prey on others
use their weaknesses
to get what I wanted
until one day ...
things changed

one day I bit an apple
with a worm that turned
and my transformation
was borne

I can't tell you why
that apple
on THAT day
changed my life
all I can tell you, is that it did

Now I spend my days
trying to make amends
if not towards the ones I've hurt
then by helping someone else

paying back to anyone
what I would have done to everyone
had I not changed
had God not changed me

but I wonder if
when I meet Him
He will see the sincerity in my heart
even though I know I will have to pay
for the sins I committed

and I will gladly pay the price
because I see clearly what a predator I was
but there is a trace of fear
fear born from knowing how badly
I treated others, mistreated them

but I move forward
doing what I can to make amends
in this life
before I am held accountable for my wrongs

and I hope that in the end
my life will show that
once I saw the error of my ways
I did enough good to make peace
with the many wrongs I did to others

Fire
01.08.08

EVER CHANGING

EVER CHANGING

I see her over there ...
trying to be the person
others want her to be
but the change in her is
superficial at best
she isn't a better person
with a better outlook on life
she is the same person
with a new mask on her face
covering the ugliness inside
but no one sees it but me

she says this new love
is the best love
and that everything she's done
has been for the betterment of them
and yet, I don't believe it
see, change made for another
can only be temporary
and as fleeting as that love will surely be
so will these new changes she's making

she's an opportunist
and right now, opportunity is knocking
and begging her to pretend to be someone else
but she doesn't see it
I mean, I've tried to broach the topic
but she simply isn't hearing me
she's even called me jealous
so I let it be
but the end,
and i see it approaching,
will be an interesting one

And do you know
she's even joined church
I mean, I have no issue with religion
I think it's a personal matter but
she's a damn atheist
or at least she was until this latest incarnation
required her to love and embrace God
the hell and damnation from this pretend game
I don't even want to see
but like the end, I see it coming

so I've moved myself out of the way
taken a seat on the sidelines of her life
even as a part of me
the neverending optimistic part
hopes I am truly mistaken and that she
is exactly who she says she is
but hell
I'm a realist too
and reality states that what smells wrong
and looks wrong and sounds wrong
usually is

...but still

Fire
01/08/08

I SEE, SHE SAYS

I SEE, SHE SAYS

I see her standing
alone
under the misguided illusion
that she is part of something
bigger than her past singularities

I see her wishing
that she could make some things
different or better or ... more
but she isn't seeing the big picture
only the small snapshot she took
when first that other came her way

I see her slowly dying
spiritually at least
trying to make a silk purse
out of that sow's ear
and she berates herself every time
she suffers a setback or takes a misstep

I see her struggling
to make sense out of nonsense
and find peace even as she resides
at the center of chaos in it's truest form
but still she tries

I see her slowly folding in
shutting down the parts of her
that are fragile and gentle and kind
because for reasons I can't define
she'd rather exist partially in the midst
than alone on the outside

and that is truly her reality
this need to exist inside a nonexistent state
of misrepresented intentions
and misplaced affections
but still ... she remains

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I am swimming
upstream in the midst of a storm
but I can't figure out another way

more than anything
I want her to be who she told me she was
not this ugly thing
that breathes in my goodness
and spews out harsh criticisms
and empty promises

I want to be respected
because I am good and kind
and not mistreated for those same things

I want her to see me clearly
and to acknowledge my worth
not push me aside and belittle my offerings
as if they aren't worthy of more

I want to escape the falsehoods she used
to call me to her and keep me there
until I was beyond the point of no return
and felt an obligation to stay and fight
for what she seems to treat so carelessly

I want to run away from her
without worrying about how she will
survive the storms of life
or how she will find her way on the darkest days
I want that not to be my concern

I want to not care if she cares
and not want her to want me to stay
I want to be freed
from this self-imposed sense of responsibility
that her illusory self seduced me to accept

and I wonder if I will be here this time next year
less myself than I am now
because she has stolen more of my goodness
and left nothing there in it's place
you see ... sometimes
... all I can find the strength to do
is wonder and hope and pray
for a new outcome
to this old and now familiar dance

Fire
01/07/08

NEVERMORE

NEVERMORE

I braced myself
preparing for another onslaught
of your disappointment in me
or some unsolicited criticism
in regard to my ever growing list
of shortcomings

but it was for naught
it seems that today your harsh words
are having a very different affect on me
seems I don't really feel anything
even though this barage is more harsh
than the many before it

I hear you
every word you speak
is being recorded in my mental
but it seems to be missing it's true target
... my spirit

I have been freed
no longer do I care if I disappoint you
no longer does it matter if I fall short
of your expectations
and no longer do your words
affect me ... wound me ... hurt me

but you continue to speak
and I realize just how blind and unaware
you truly are
never once has it really been about me
and my countless faults
but rather
it's about you and your need to
stand on my back so that you can feel
taller ... stronger ... better

but no more
I am done with this verbal warfare
and I am removing myself
from the battlefield of your
externalized self-hatred

you see ... today I am freeing myself
and allowing you to truly experience life
without me to blame or malign
and no longer will I take your calls
or value your opinion
because your words were nothing more than
poison ... slowly killing me

but today I say .... nevermore
nevermore will you stand as I tumble
nevermore will you smile as I weep
nevermore will you exist as I fade away
because today and forevermore
... I am freed

Fire
01/07/08

WITHIN A MOMENT

WITHIN A MOMENT

In a moment of clarity
and in the midst of quiet reflection
I had an epiphany

see, from the first moment I can remember
I've wanted more from you
than you were ever able to give me

wanting you to hold me
and read to me
and put me to sleep
but never getting any of those things

wanting you to be proud of me
and excited about my achievements
seemed far too much to ask of you
so I silently wished
and desperately prayed

I watched my friends with longing
escaping to their homes so that I could at least see
what it was like to be loved and adored
openly and demonstratively

only to return home to you
a mother who had nothing to give me
but stern admonishments
and firm guidance without even a glimmer
of affection

never hugging me or kissing me
never telling me you were proud of me
never making me feel like I was enough
or that I was deserving and worthy

you failed me
emotionally you gave me nothing
and now ...
as a grown woman contemplating motherhood
I get it

it was never a rejection of me
but rather you doing what you knew to do
it was never that I wasn't enough
but rather that you had nothing more to give me
and now I see

that even parents make mistakes
and sometimes they really don't have the answers
I learned that sometimes love is given in the way that it can be
even if it isn't in the way that it's needed

so I accept you
as you are and will always be
without condemnation or judgement
I love you ... unconditionally and without resentment
and I promise myself
that I will love my children in all the ways I needed
and not in the way I was taught

Fire
03/12/08