of my appearance and intelligence
you broke me
you stripped me of my wings
before I even realized I should be
flying high
no pride in anything
because you told me I was nothing
and I believed you
still do sometimes
somedays I look in the mirror
and I see the real me ... the truth
other days I look
and all I see is the fat ugly girl
you told me I'd always be
never would I be good enough
for you or anyone else
or so you led me to believe
even as you bolstered my sister
to believe she was surely
the next top model
and ruined my brother
by giving him no responsibility
and a sense of entitlement
you left me all alone
the ugly duckling
in your putrid and acidic lake
dying slowly by your hand
but they left you
she ran off with some boy
never to be seen or heard from again
and he is strung out on drugs
stealing from you every chance he gets
so now, after all of your verbal abuse
and emotional castration of me
I am all you have left
the one you hated
the one you berated
and now ... the one you need
you hate it too
I see it in your eyes
when you think I'm not looking
I hear it in your voice
when you have to ask me for
something ... anything
that reinforces your reliance on me
but I never treat you unkindly
because you are still my mother
and though you never respected
or cared for me
I do love you, in spite of it all
and know that I haven't forgotten
the despicable things you did to me
but I have forgiven you
I don't hate you
for the way you programmed self-hatred
into the fibers of my existence
nor do I regret the awful way
you raised me
because no one can ever
treat me worse than you did
and no one can ever
disappointment me more than you have
and no one can ever
make me feel as badly about myself as you did
so in essence you have protected me
from ever being hurt by anyone else
because as with all things in life
NO ONE can ever treat you
the way your Mother did
Fire
10.24.06
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