Tiger Lillies and Fairytales

Ever wonder how you find yourself
In the exact same place time and time again?
Ever wonder if you are the root of your own
Broken and disjointed belief system?
Is it possible that you are the reason
You are so woefully unhappy?

I’ve yet to find an answer… only more questions
More curiosity about what shouldn’t
And doesn’t make sense to me
And yet I sit her … kinda wondering
While pretending that I totally understand
Why pain is my familiar
and why rejection is what I expect in the end

I remember being told that we create our realities
But I can’t imagine that to be the case here
I’ve wanted many things in life
But never have I wanted to live without breathing
Or to exist in a constant state of mild panic
No … I can’t imagine that I chose this
And the loving, optimistic me
Won’t accept that this is my truest reality
That this place is where I will always find myself
In the end

So I put on my pretty face
And I speak positive words with conviction
Because I really can’t imagine that it should be
Any other way in the end
But sometimes I wonder
If I should put away my tiger lilies
And allow my fairy tales to fade
So that breathing outside of what I believe in
Won’t seem so hard to do

Bearable existence
Perhaps that’s what I should be
Reaching for, striving for
Creating for self

How sad it makes me feel
How sad to imagine that life really is
Nothing more than a kind of purgatory
Where your dreams are just out of reach
And love is only a prelude to pain
And that nature is nothing more than death
Cycling repetitively to show us our finiteness
So again … I choose not to think it
Even if it does feel much closer to the truth
Than the possibility of ever having
A happily ever after ending

Fire
06.24.07