SPINNING

spinning and whirling
in a cycle of pain and despair
surely there is a way out
of this tourbillion existence
feeling locked in and down
unable and incapable
of moving and breathing freely
but why?
you aren't here anymore
after your ugliness was exposed
you vanished leaving nothing but
pain and disarray behind
so why do I still struggle with
getting up
standing tall
moving forward
perhaps I use you and your invasion
as an excuse to not move again
the perfect excuse to hide away
and never risk heartache and pain again
am I so terrified of hurting
that I've resorted to lying to myself
in order to justify my inability to try
one
more
time
honestly, your betrayal wasn't the worst
I ever had to endure or survive
only the most recent so again ... why?
I keep naming you the culprit
the thief that raped me of my confidence
and stole away my peace of mind
and violated the essence of my reality
but did you really?
am I giving you more power than you
deserve
earned
warrant
I mean really, when I think about it
you are inconsequential ... minute
unimportant and impotent ... so yes
the truth is you are my scapegoat
the excuse I hide behind to keep from facing
the reality of my current state of being
that I am terrified of being hurt
terrified of having to heal again and again
and you are only the straw ... never the load
that broke the back of this devastated camel
so I release you from responsibility
you didn't destroy me
only perpetrated an act
that made the cracks in my emotional wall
impossible to ignore or deny
so perhaps I should thank you
for being the catalyst for my healing process
because in reality, tourbillions and all, I am healing
and I am growing ... becoming stronger and better
than I ever was

FIRE
07.03.06