BACK TO ME

I remember the first time I cried
because someone did me wrong
and I remember asking them
what had I done to make them do this

I remember all the tears I've shed
since that first time I was left hurting
and I wonder, in retrospect
why it was so easy to take on the blame

So I went on a mission, a soul journey
to find my true self and the source of this
inability to place blame accurately
and this tendency to internalize everything

And I realized that I couldn't take a compliment
without negating it
and I couldn't accept a gift from someone
without gifting them in return
and that I couldn't accept help from anyone
without feeling I owed them a debt
and I started processing the reality of me

I was so used to being misused
that I'd become used to it ... it made sense
and I'd forgotten the most important person
I would ever have in my life
I forgot ... myself

So I took a sabbatical from love
and I spent time with myself
relearning who I am and relearning my worth
I took the time to fall in love with me

I accepted responsibility for my failures
but I also gave the other party theirs
I accepted that I was lonely
but realized that it wasn't gonna kill me

and I took the time to look at myself
took the time to appreciate myself
took the time to love and honor myself
and that was the beginning of a better me

a me that was whole and honest with self
that demanded respect from everyone
a me who wouldn't accept half-hearted attempts
to come into my life and be rebuilt in my love
even as their negativity and misery broke me down

and I am still walking the path
and still learning how to love myself
but it isn't nearly as hard now
as it was that very first time

That very first time, I looked in the mirror
and I said 'I love you' to myself for the very first time
and I cried ... like I would never stop ... I cried
but it was cleansing ... washing away years
of negation and subjugation and forgiving myself
for taking so long to love me

and my journey to my current state of peace
was begun ... and I have never looked back
I am free of other's opinions of me
and I no longer see myself through
them tinted shades
I see myself as I truly am
beautiful
and deserving
and complete
and totally and irrevocablyin love with me

Fire
02.14.07