I COULDN'T BREATHE

I COULDN'T BREATHE

I woke up this morning
and i couldn't breathe

my mind was overcome with thoughts
of saying goodbye to you
unsure how the end got here but certain
things will never be the same
and I couldn't seem to focus on
anything

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

because somewhere along the way
you became more than my love
you became my life ... my reason
my existence directly tied to you
and your presence in my life
but now, you are forever
gone

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

going through the motions of life
but no longer living it
I am a shadow of what I used to be
a hollow reminder of what we could have been
and I take a step towards nothing
because you are no longer at the other end of my
reality

I woke up this morning
and I couldn't breathe

I am dead on the inside
no longer capable of seeing the colors of happiness
or hearing the sounds of living
incapable of smelling the sweetness life used to offer
because my senses were heightened by you
my love, my life, my one ... and you are forever gone
see ... last night we talked and we cried and we said
goodbye

yesterday we stopped pretending that WE
was still a viable option and accepted that you and I
was all that was left
so we parted, separated, ended
and I found myself all alone in my bed
weeping for unrealized dreams and unreached potential
and I told myself that I would be fine ...
that I would survive
but this morning I found out
that I was lying to myself

see, when I woke up this morning
I couldn't breathe
because my reason for living
was gone from me

Fire
10.16.06

DIMMING

DIMMING

today I feel like a spot
buried in a see of spots
unnoticed and unremarkable
overlooked and overshadowed

I woke up this morning feeling
different ... for me at least
and as the day has gone on
the feeling has grown into this
mountain of unspoken
and unacknowledged
and untapped emotions

I want to lie on the floor and cry
or throw myself at your feet and weep
oh wait, same thing ... see what I mean?

I feel like I am on a train to nowhere
taking a flight from my home and back
making useless tracks towards nothing
and I have no idea when this feeling
began ... started ... appeared

I am gripped by a sense of nothingness
I feel insignificant and unimportant
like I am the only one in the world
with no purpose or direction
like I am not worthy of having either really

I am tired and I am weary and I am sad
deep, bone deep, soul wrenching sad
the kind that makes you want to cry til you are
dry on the inside ... bereft of emotions

I've tried to find the source
the beginning point for this ugly feeling
but I have yet to locate it
and my desire to find it is waning
... dimming like an overly used bulb
in this life lamp I was placed in

Fire
03.22.07

EXISTING IN SILENCE

Existing In Silence

Where are the Voices?
Where have they gone?
Were they murdered by apathy?
are were they silenced by unconcern?

I question because I am here
and I speak loudly but go unheard
and I wonder if this is the reason
those before me gave up and went home

How did we go from powerful and mighty
to silent and degraded and negated?
How do we sleep at night knowing that we
are the perpetrators of our current decline?

How do you stand for nothing
when your children pay the ultimate price?
How do you find room to complain
when you've done nothing to make things right?

So many died so that we could be free
but we've done nothing but dishonor the memory
of the sacrifices our forefathers made for us
the children raised fatherless for the greater good

He marched so that we could have choices
but I am sure he never imagined
that we would choose to do nothing at all
and yet that is the legacy his sacrifice has borne

We have taught our children nothing
and we continue to feed them false ideas
of what should be and could be
giving them limits and barriers
instead of unleashing their untapped potential
and assisting them in elevating a people
through their rightful pursuit of the american dream

There is no secret society hating on us
and no underground movement to stifle us
the true enemy knocking at our backdoor
and negating our reality and possibilities
is us ... the ones who chose to give up and give in

So I ask you, on the eve of another celebration
another free day to dishonor the memory
of those who thought we were fighting for
and dying for ... and speaking for

Where are the Voices?
Where have they gone?
Were they murdered by apathy?
are were they silenced by unconcern?

Fire
01.08.06

DIRECTION

DIRECTION

trying to find my way
in this directionless existence
seeking answers
to unasked questions
and trying to make sense
out of the nonsense surrounding me

I am without direction
rutterless and unmotivated
and I need to change that
except
I don't really know how to

so much of my time spent
taking my queues from others
I finally find myself at my own mercy
and it terrifies me

what if, on my own, I make a mistake
what if I can't handle the responsibility
of living my own life
what if I fail
what if ... what if ... what if
I find that I am truly incapable of
independence
or prosperous singularity

what if I really NEED other people
to guide my life
and lead me around by the hand
the blind leading the clueless
damn
perhaps I should just sit here
wait on someone to tell me
what to do, what to think, how to feel

but wait
that's the opposite of living
that's existing for the benefit of others
and it makes me feel useless
and incapable
maybe I'll take baby steps
make small choices and see
if I screw that up
and if I don't ... will that mean
I am able
I am capable
*sigh*
damn ... I really do need to find my own
direction

Fire
01.19.07

ALONE

Being alone
isn’t as hard as being with you

Alone I know who I am
With you I am always wondering
Alone I know what I want
With you I am always guessing
Alone I know why I do
With you I always fall short
Alone I don’t question myself
With you all I do is question
Alone I know that I love me
With you, I know you love someone
Alone I know what to expect
With you I never know what’s coming
Alone looks good now …
With you looks … like alone used to look

Perhaps it isn’t with you that’s wrong
Maybe it’s with me that isn’t right

Alone … think I’ll try that again
With you … is what alone used to look like

FIRE

HER

HER
before your arrival
I was nothing more than a thought
existing without living
and breathing without inhaling
I was seeing through a dirty window
and hearing the echoes of a life unlived

then you arrived

in you I have been reborn
I am relearning how to live my life
and seeing the beautiful colors
through my tinted windows of you
I am the echo I used to hear
and that empty existence feels
like my imagination or an ugly nightmare

you give me a direction to walk in
and purpose for going that way
you make everything make sense
even the nonsensical things
I feel free to express the inner me
as you embrace my spirituality
without hesitation or fear

SHE

yes...i completely
undeniably know that before you
i was trapped within myself
and since you stepped out of my fantasy
and became my reality
you have unlocked my vault...
the place where i keep myself
from myself
and you showed me how to walk out with no chains.

my eyes have seen the glory
of you when you breathe into me
and i see the woman i have been dreaming about
for all these years.
my whole life
lived up til now with no expectations
and no promises
no guarantees
because without those there are no disappointments

spiritually
i walk with you...
seeing the same things and knowing the truth.
combined favor and vision deposit courage into our souls
to continue walking forward
towards the same Savior
who brought me to you.

WE

twin flames rising
entwining so that you can't see
where HER began and SHE ends
simpatico
unified
joined
to create this perfectly true reality
that feels like dreaming ... wide awake

A She-N-I Creation
2006

SOUL

"What does your soul taste like?" she asked

my soul tastes like heaven
as you taste of it you will be
elevated to a higher level of being
and you will see God the way I do
clearly and beautiful in His glory

my soul tastes like your favorite meal
comforting to your pained soul
and a salve to your spiritual wounds
cause even as you eat of my soul
you will feel yours being reborn

my soul tastes like the sweetest sweets
making you feel energetic and alive
with the power of my love for you
and my hope for your soul's survival
as you let go of the chains that bind you

my soul tastes like rain in the spring
fresh and new and rejuvenating
as it washes over you and erases the pains
of your worst experiences and darkest days
rain that replenishes the soil of your soul

my soul tastes like
hope and freedom and peace
my soul is here to feed you
whatever your soul needs

Fire

STRIPPED

I am naked
my soul is unshielded
my heart is uncovered
and I am stripped bare before you
even as you throw more stones
and verbally lash me for things
you know you did to me

accusing me of wrongs
that you committed behind my back
and absolving yourself of guilt
with misplaced accusations
and still I stand before you
naked ... stripped ... bare

but I will not bow down
nor will you find me bending
under the weight
of your putrid lies and devious deceptions

I am bare before you
so that you can see what you will never be

you will never be honest with another
because you whisper lies to your own soul
and you will never know true love
because you have no idea what love really is
you will never be faithful
because deep down you are selfish and covetous
wanting what everyone has
even if you don't deserve it

I am naked before you
so that you can see me in all my purity
even as your eyes burn from the glow
of my rightful rightousness
and I am stripped bare
no longer is my soul covered
by the stinging lies you told
no longer is my heart wrapped
in the deceptive web you wove

I am free of you
and in my freedom I am bare
stripped naked before the world
because there is nothing in me
that needs to be hidden
only things in me that you placed
and I removed ... finally

08.06.07

WRITTEN

you give me tummyflies
I mean flutterbies
oh damn ... you got me
tongue twisted
and mentally confused
discombobulated
see what you do?

I was writing last night
obsessively
creating new ways to say
how you affect me
leaving me feeling
free to be me
and me feeling free
to simply ... be

you walked into my life
healing me with your smile
looking into my soul
and removing the need for
words and explanations
you hear me when I think
and speak my reality

you are immersed in my mental
and slowly entwining with my spiritual
I feel rewritten and cowritten
and unwritten all at once
you are recreating me
and putting you in all the places
my soul needs you to be

never could I have prepared
for the reality of we
and yet here I am ... unsurprised
and unwilling to change
the essence of this ... our reality
remember ... you rewrote it
dotted my i's with a kiss
crossed my t's with a hug
and ended my sentences
with heartfelt I Love You's

me ... rewritten
and us ... cowritten
and the past has effectively been
unwritten

FIRE
07.11.06

LIMBO

Desperately seeking answers
to questions I am too afraid to ask
wondering if you are even worth
the suppression of self
loving you demands
Seized with the realization that
walking away from you is my only alternative
in this battle for possession of me
choosing to divorce myself from your
glittering dysfunctionality
even as I pray I can rebound from this
the latest implosion of self that I have somehow
solicited in my desperate desire to be a part
of something so much bigger than I think I am
so I sit here quietly asking questions
and silently wishing for answers
to something only I can resolve or understand
wishing and hoping that one day
I am able to snatch back the parts of me
that you seized upon your arrival
and desperate for relief from this state of limbo
loving you has cast me into

FIRE
06.28.06

COMPROMISING LOVE

Compromising
by definition
means that each of us gives up something
so tell me
what did you give up for us
what did you do without
what did you throw away

what did you refuse to buy
for the sake of you and I

I know what I gave up
in order for you and I to be
I gave up my wall that would have protected me
I removed my spiritual cloth
so that I would be bare before you ... naked
I gave up my individual way of thinking
so that I could unite with you
I gave up my cynicism so that I could embrace you
fully and lovingly

but I have no clue what you sacrificed
in the name of us
you seem to be just fine ... fully clothed
wall strong and unpenetrable
and thinking of only you ... oh yeah
you still have that
cynical? you? yes ma'am you are
believing I was like everyone else
even as you robbed me of my shields
and promised me you really were different
while planning to run roughshod over my emotions

I even remember that look of surprise
when it finally penetrated your skull that I truly did
love you
that my love was unconditional and all yours
but by then it was too late
by then you had yanked it out of my chest
and wiped your feet on it ... leaving ugly marks
and permanent scars ... scars I am still trying to heal from
so I sit here
rage eating away at the rest of my soul
turning me into the cold and emotionless woman
you call me now

but you have yourself to thank for this
even as you try to make peace? ammends?
fuck you
when I had the world in my hand
when I was ready to dip my soul in platinum
and have your name engraved in it for eternity
you spit in my face and tossed it back at me
as if it meant nothing
so keep your platitudes and half-hearted explanations
to yourself
I don't want to hear how unhappy you are
or how very sorry you were and how you never meant it
your insincerity is apparent

leave me in peace ... or my version of it at least
and consider yourself a closed chapter
in the lost books of my love .. compromised

Fire
07.25.06

SUSPICION

why do you question
my every move
why am I suspect
in the things that I say
could it be
that you are the one
doing things
that shouldn't be done?

I am above reproach
I don't lie
cheat
steal
and yet I have been branded
a suspect
by your suspicions
and past transgressions

most unfortunate for you
that my patience is gone
and this is the end
of us
but I will leave you with
a last piece of advice
and perhaps it will be useful
for your time after me

stop doing to others
what you don't want done to you
and you just might learn to live
without suspicion

Fire
03/15/06

YOURS

this poem was written around one word, the highlighted one ... it means
A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust

I am overwhelmed
dare I say obesessed
with my need for you
I find myself
writing your name
repetitively
speaking your name
religiously
reading your words
fantatically
looking for a trace
of a response
to my obvious need
for you
concupiscence
that's the name
for what you
solicit from me
and I am totally
and completely
at your mercy
yours to own
and direct
the slave to your
every whim
and dream
and fantasy
damn baby
I am totally
and completely
yours

FIRE
06.17.06

YOU

I don't understand
how I ended up here
a broken shell
of the woman I used to be
once I was so confident
and so ... at peace
but now, there is nothing
but questions and doubt

YOU

you did this to me
waltzing into my reality
rewriting my story
to include you and your
deceptive ways
using beautiful words
tied to devious intentions
to seduce me from my place
of calm and peace
into your drama filled existence

YOU

the reason I hold myself at night
afraid to let anyone else near me
for fear they are as deceptive as

YOU

malicious and vindictive in your
plans to undermine my calm
and infiltrate my campgrounds
of peace and serenity
only to leave me broken, shattered
and bereft of hope and light

YOU

elicit from me plaintive cries for you to
speak to me
walk with me
stay beside me
and for what ... you are truly unworthy
of the worst of me and I allowed you
to undermine the best of what I am
but that is no more

YOU

I walked away from you ... finally
and I am slowly healing the inner me
so that one day, my reality will truly be
of my own creation
and you will be nothing more
than the nightmare
I arose from and dispelled

FIRE
06.30.06

SPINNING

spinning and whirling
in a cycle of pain and despair
surely there is a way out
of this tourbillion existence
feeling locked in and down
unable and incapable
of moving and breathing freely
but why?
you aren't here anymore
after your ugliness was exposed
you vanished leaving nothing but
pain and disarray behind
so why do I still struggle with
getting up
standing tall
moving forward
perhaps I use you and your invasion
as an excuse to not move again
the perfect excuse to hide away
and never risk heartache and pain again
am I so terrified of hurting
that I've resorted to lying to myself
in order to justify my inability to try
one
more
time
honestly, your betrayal wasn't the worst
I ever had to endure or survive
only the most recent so again ... why?
I keep naming you the culprit
the thief that raped me of my confidence
and stole away my peace of mind
and violated the essence of my reality
but did you really?
am I giving you more power than you
deserve
earned
warrant
I mean really, when I think about it
you are inconsequential ... minute
unimportant and impotent ... so yes
the truth is you are my scapegoat
the excuse I hide behind to keep from facing
the reality of my current state of being
that I am terrified of being hurt
terrified of having to heal again and again
and you are only the straw ... never the load
that broke the back of this devastated camel
so I release you from responsibility
you didn't destroy me
only perpetrated an act
that made the cracks in my emotional wall
impossible to ignore or deny
so perhaps I should thank you
for being the catalyst for my healing process
because in reality, tourbillions and all, I am healing
and I am growing ... becoming stronger and better
than I ever was

FIRE
07.03.06

SEEING THE TRANSPARENCY

I remember meeting you
and wanting you to be
as open to me as I was to you
and I recall the pain I felt
on a spirit level
when I realized the impossibility
of that one simple desire

bruised and battered
misused and disregarded
by so many unworthy before me
my arrival should have been
the culmination of fantasies
that drifted on sun drenched dreams
but that wasn't to be for us

even as I whispered to your heart
with the sincerity of my soul
even as I heard your heart
whisper, almost desperately, in response
a part of me knew the unreality of us

For one moment in our time
I was allowed to see the potential
of a union between we
what perfection your love is
so pure and so truly unconditional
but the lacerations to your heart
proved to be fatal
resisting all attempt to heal the wounds
and dying before it could be healed
by the alwaysness of my love for you

so I stand here ... defeated
and raging at the unfairness
of finding perfection locked away
behind a wall of pain
the key unavailable to me
and still I stand and still I wait
wishing and hoping and wishing
that the nightmare of our seperateness
was nothing more than that

wishing I would rise with the sun
and you would be sitting beside me
gifting me with my only wish
you open and willing and ready
for you and I to plurally dispel
the loneliness of singularity

but again ... us wasn't to be
a part of my reality so instead
I write poems filled with longing
and disappointment and pain
and I silently and fervently pray
daily and consistently
that the universe will reverse you and I
so that we can simply ... be

Fire
07.09.06

THE MANTRA

*please see me*
*please see me*
*please see me*

I whisper those words
incessantly and fanatically
as my obsession for you
grows and becomes
larger than my reality

*please see me*
*please see me*
*please see me*

even as I acknowledge
that you are unaware of me
and my growing fascination
with everything that is you

*please see me*
*please see me*
*please see me*

perhaps I should be proactive
walk up to you and just say
how very much I am drawn
to you and that beautiful mind
even as you wonder how I know

*please see me*
*please see me*
*please see me*

never noticing me in the shadows
watching you as you speak your words
into my growing reality of you
words that wrap around my mind
and slide into my subconscious
leaving me breathless and even more
*sigh*

*want me*
*need me*
*claim me*

the new mantra for this growing need
and still ... I am invisible to you
stalking is a crime ... right?
but wait ... what if you don't see me
what if I continue to surreptitiously watch you
from the shadows of a reality
one that I am improving upon daily

*please see me*
*please want me*
*please need me*
*please claim me*

yeah ... that's it ... finally perfect
got it all in one ... the true mantra
that I will speak with reverence
and dedication
until that day it penetrates your reality
and brings you over to mine
the only one that will matter in the end

Fire
07.15.06

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

now
after everything is over
you want to talk about
us
but I ask you ... what us?
I left and I am staying gone
so there is no WE or US
to discuss

I don't want to hear you tell me
that you'll change
that you'll do better
that you'll be faithful
that you'll be honest
that you really do love me
it all sounds repetitive coming from you

not like they are new words I'm hearing
but the same old shit
on a whole new day

the crying and whining
the begging and trying
it's all useless
your pleas fall on deaf ears
your words are reiterated to my friends
so they can laugh as hard as I do
when I hear that bullshit
ONE ... MORE ... TIME
even you can't still believe you mean it
and if you do ... so sad for you

all of your offerings and declarations
are much too damn little
and far too damn late
so pick yourself up ... dust yourself off
and find someone else to be a better person for
you showed me enough of the other you
that the better person couldn't begin to undo
the damage you've done

so babe ... this is me wishing you well
and hoping life is good to you
even as I change ALL of my numbers
and return your letters unopened
emails deleted
messages from friends ignored
and if I run into you on the street
pretend you don't know me
because as far as I am concerned
you no longer exist

Fire
07.19.06

I UN-LOVE YOU

I want it back
all the love I gave you
I want it back

I am unspeaking every sweet word
unthinking every kind thought
untouching you gently
and un-dedicating that song
I am un-remembering you
unspeaking your name
I am un-acknowledging your existence
and unlocking your hold on me
I am un-creating our unreality
and I am unpromising
to love you always

I want you to unexist
just un-breathe so you can unbe
and I can get on with the business
of re-loving me

un-call my numbers
and
unvisit my house
and
unknow my family
and
untell those sweet lies

yes ... that's what I want
to un-love your un-lovable ass
un-wrap me from your arms
so I can un-cry all these tears
and un-want us to always be
unsee you when I go to sleep
and un-dream you in my eternities

from this moment on
I UN-LOVE YOU

Fire
07.20.06

DIFFERENT

I could never tell you how often
I've wished things could have been different
how many times I've retraced our steps
and wished I could go back to the beginning
how I wish we could redo it all ... do it better
make different choices so we could have
a different result
I loved you ... thought you were my one
but things spiraled out of control so fast
even now, with ugly memories
and harsh words in my head ... I wonder
could we have?
should we have?
would we have?
then I shake my head ... clear the thoughts
because do overs don't exist in my world
I learned long before you ... that when it ends
leave it that way ... it's for the best most times
no chance of ugly memories jumping up
to solicit you to exact some measure of revenge
on imagined slights and wounded pride
so I sit here and I remember how we were
and imagine how we could have been
if things could only have been ... different

Fire
07.19.06

TUMMYFLIES

I can't explain it
when I see your name
I get tummyflies
when I read your poems
I get lightheaded
my heart starts pounding
and my tummyflies
become flutterbies
and I read you

obsessively ... desperately

wishing that I'd see something
that would let me know
that you are thinking of me
wishing I could be
the object of your affection
even if it's only .. in the poetic sense
at this point anything would be better
than nothing at all

damn ... I sound desperate
but this is what you do to me
you take me outside of myself
outside of what I am used to

you got me speaking a new language
one I had to make up just for you
tummyflies and flutterbies
to describe that feeling in my tummy
lustivious to describe
well I think you know
and splendiferous to describe
how amazing you are to me

damn baby I just need you to
see me
feel me
speak me
but more than that baby
I wanna know you
in the most basic ways
I want to rest in your mind
and see where the very first thought
originates
I want to see the thoughts take shape
and become words
I want to ride the words to your lips
so I can slide out on your tongue

see what you do to me
you take me to new heights of
imaginings
got me trying to find new ways
to express these things only you
make me feel

*sigh*

damn ... but how will you know?
because I swear you don't see me
I'm sure I haven't even registered
beyond 'fellow poet'
or 'cute stranger'
but still ... I can't stop dreaming you
and wishing you would just
notice me

Fire
07.28.06

PERFECT IMPERFECTION

inspired by a few things that left me feeling the need to express myself yet again on one of my more passionate topics ... this is a long one but if you take the time to read it, I would be honored ... and as always, comments are never necessary but always read AND appreciated.

I believe that justice is blind

blind to fairness and eyes wide open to
color
class
cash
the only balance I find when I check the
papers
internet
television
is the perfect imbalance of this free nation

I am confused by the contradictory things I see
and convinced that the only fairness is in the
perfect imbalance of imperfection
and I am forced to speak on it by my own
emotions
convictions
perceptions
of the things going on around me

it is never my intention to go along blindly
and mislead the directionless
nor do I care to fit into society
or protect the delicate sensibilities
of those who prefer the rosey illusion they've
assimilated
accepted
adopted
in order to achieve perfect imbalance in imperfection

it is my goal to offend the offensive
and malign the maligners
I want to piss off anyone that can read or write
or think for themselves
even if you hate me and my message
at least, for that moment of perfect rage
you are thinking and doing and responding
FOR YOURSELF

for that moment you are not a sheep but a shephard
not a follower but a loud mouthed leader and thereby
you are proactive in this thing called life
but it won't last
much as I'd love to be wrong, I know I am not

I've seen it countless times
passion burning hotly and dying just as quickly
actions spoken of but never taken
standing for absolutely nothing ...
unless it directly involves them
and their personal well being

how does one justify their inactive existence
because I can't
from the moment I became aware, I also became vocal
the moment I saw injustice, I could no longer deny it

I speak because someone has to
and I do because that is what one does when things become
unavoidably and undeniably crystalized and clear
you DO something
you SAY something
you START something

even as I hear the rumblings of
'what can we do, who will hear us'
I challenge you to start small
speak to your children ... teach them, prepare them
watch the news with them and explain what they can't see
give them a clear picture based on the realities
and not the mindless sheep mentality most of us exist in
explain why it's wrong to do some things, but not really
and why authority figures aren't always right
explain to them how very different they really are from others
simply because now ... they KNOW
teach them to move and be and do ... teach them to LEAD
teach them to be loud and forceful and to demand
but please ... TEACH THEM
they are our future ... the leaders of our tomorrows
and if they know nothing
what will they teach the next generation?
where will they lead them ... what will they create for us

life is a series of experiences
meant to progress us to a new level and yet
all I see around me is REGRESSION
I see so many things that are identical to the way things were
the things our forefathers fought and died for
understand that as we sit around doing NOTHING
those who would love to see the world revert
are doing EVERYTHING to prepare their future leaders
and our inevitable downfall

we have to stop sitting around and waiting on someone else
to do something
there is no fairy godmother or magic bean that will save us
we have to save ourselves ... and to do that
someone and eventually everyone ... will have to act

and never forget that inaction ... is still an action
doing nothing is worse than doing a little
apathy is like a cancer and it seems to be reaching
epidimic proportions

if you aren't a part of the necessary revolution for change
you are no different from the enemy ... you are a weak link
and the chain of change will have to be shored up to withstand
the attacks from within ... the attacks from you

this is a fight we ALL have to participate in
because we will ALL be affected by the outcome
so make a choice, make a stand, make noise
whatever you choose ...
just choose something
do ... something

Fire
10.19.06

YOU BROKE ME

with your harsh criticisms
of my appearance and intelligence
you broke me

you stripped me of my wings
before I even realized I should be
flying high

no pride in anything
because you told me I was nothing
and I believed you

still do sometimes

somedays I look in the mirror
and I see the real me ... the truth
other days I look
and all I see is the fat ugly girl
you told me I'd always be

never would I be good enough
for you or anyone else
or so you led me to believe

even as you bolstered my sister
to believe she was surely
the next top model
and ruined my brother
by giving him no responsibility
and a sense of entitlement

you left me all alone

the ugly duckling
in your putrid and acidic lake
dying slowly by your hand

but they left you
she ran off with some boy
never to be seen or heard from again
and he is strung out on drugs
stealing from you every chance he gets
so now, after all of your verbal abuse
and emotional castration of me
I am all you have left

the one you hated
the one you berated
and now ... the one you need

you hate it too
I see it in your eyes
when you think I'm not looking

I hear it in your voice
when you have to ask me for
something ... anything
that reinforces your reliance on me

but I never treat you unkindly
because you are still my mother
and though you never respected
or cared for me
I do love you, in spite of it all

and know that I haven't forgotten
the despicable things you did to me
but I have forgiven you

I don't hate you
for the way you programmed self-hatred
into the fibers of my existence
nor do I regret the awful way
you raised me

because no one can ever
treat me worse than you did
and no one can ever
disappointment me more than you have
and no one can ever
make me feel as badly about myself as you did

so in essence you have protected me
from ever being hurt by anyone else
because as with all things in life

NO ONE can ever treat you
the way your Mother did

Fire
10.24.06

I'LL DIE

Inspired by the song ... "I'll Die" by Floetry ... which is also playing in this piece. Enjoy!

DEATH

I'll die
if I continue to stay here with you
I'll die
and it won't be the living death being with you has been
but a spiritual one that I may never recover from
days spent on my knees
praying on high for an answer, some direction
and the refusal to accept my response

that you are toxic
like cryptonite to superman you will destroy me
and I will cease to exist in any way that matters
so I pack my bags and gather my things
and I prepare myself for imminent departure
except ... I am still here ... still standing
still existing in the living death
my extinction close at hand

death of the spirit
no one can survive that ... no one should want to
never did I imagine that She who held my heart
would be the reason I cowered in the hallows of my mind
terrified and weak and still
in the hope that she would change and I would be free
to love the She I see on the inside
behind the malicious lies and poisonous attacks
on my person, my psyche, my spirit

but she is pervasive and invasive
like a weed in a garden she gains strength
with every new growth, every new incarnation
but so beautiful is She
giving the impression that she is nothing more than
a woman needing to love and be loved
bullshit ... all of it

dead
I will be dead if I stay here
so I run, taking nothing with me
belongings can be replaced by I have but one spirit
and I can't live without it so I run
undercover of night ... in secret and afraid even now
that she will use her inhuman hold on me
to call me back to her side by sonar or telepathy

so I cower in the corners of my banishment
speaking rapidly and loudly to myself
to drown any possible attempt of reclamation
she might impose on me and my spirit
and I weep ... soulful tears that hurt
and I pray ... fervent prayers, desperate
and I hide ... from She who would rather I die with her
than exist in any form on my own

Fire
10.18.06

REALIZATION

there seems to be a reason
I keep ending up here
never with the same person
but always in the same place

repetitive and uncomfortable
I am finally reaching a point
where mediocrity is simply not enough
so I stand and I move forward

no longer will I allow myself to be placed
in this spiritual abattoir others call existence
no longer will I allow their ugliness
to mar the beauty of unreached potential
and unlimited, spiritual elevation

so I walk away from them and their need to
... suppress and oppress ...
... destroy and malign ...
anything that even hints at inner peace
and I revel in this latest manifestation of love
that He has bestowed upon me

Fire
08.21.06

GOD BLESS THE CHILD

Today, on bended knee, I pray for her and for them

God bless the child with the vacant eyes
and forgive those who believed her smile
was anything more than a mask for her dying soul

she came into the world unprepared
for the brutality that awaited her at the hands of
her parents and, through their indifference, the world

everyone said she was accident prone ... clumsy
that her bumps and bruises and broken bones
were her own carelessness ... lies they told themselves

when she went to school with new bruises
the teacher pretended not to see it
even when the child's eyes pleaded with her to notice

when she jumped at the sound of her parents voices
or seemed to tremble as they approached her
the neighbors figured she was in trouble and ignored
the desperation clinging to her spirit

when the police arrived at the house, little girl in the back
captured a few short hours after another failed attempt to escape
they told themselves it was normal for a 7 year old to run away

when child services came to speak with the family,
to investigate claims of abuse she chose to believe the lies
never once looking into the little girl's vacant eyes

when the police led her parents away from the home
and sent the child's broken body to it's final resting place
everyone looked away from the scene, guilt all over their face

she was a victim of society ... a child the world chose to ignore
everyone keeping silent ... no one wanting to get involved

if only someone had defended her ... looked beyond the surface
but in the end her life and death served a purpose
it showed how apathetic everyone in this world is
and how little we value our future ... how far away from God we live

so today, on bended knee, I pray for her and for them

God bless the child with the vacant eyes
and forgive those who believed her smile
was anything more than a mask for her dying soul

Fire
11.29.06

HAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL

Hauntingly Beautiful

you stand before me
within arms reach
and yet you seem
so very far away
your beauty
leaves me speechless
your grace
makes me clumsy
and your eyes
make me want to hide
not from shame
but because they leave me
feeling exposed
and vulnerable
your beauty
your haunting beauty
at a glance it can be missed
but your beauty is deeper
than the physical
it slides into the mind
confusing reality
your skin glows with a radiance
never before seen
and when you leave
it's like you
are still there
ever present
ever watching
ever beautiful
hauntingly beautiful
lingering in the minds
forever enchanting
those who do more
than glance
at the initial
illusion
that you present
to the unobservant

Fire
04.12.06

ARE YOU?

I wanna take your hand and lead you
away from the place you currently stand
I wanna show you something better
immerse you in something brand new

are you willing

to be lifted above all you know
and introduced to a new way of being
a different perspective will be needed
in this unfamiliar place we are headed to

are you ready

to open your mind and let all of the trash
slide out only to be replaced by the beauty
of something you never could have imagined
but very quickly find yourself committed to

are you able

to never have a useless argument about things
that are not worth discussing or disagreeing over
because they aren't important enough to cause
division and discension and separation of you from I

are you willing
are you ready
are you able

to embrace peace of mind and peace of home
as the new reality you find yourself in daily
or are you so damaged by the daily discension
that you simply can't move up and on to a new way

are you ready
are you willing
are you able

to be reinvented and reincarnated and reborn
in the likeness of all things that make sense
and leave all those things that fettered your rise
behind you and below you and beneath you

are you able
are you willing
are you ready

Fire ... 03.08.07

SHADES OF BROWN

I keep hearing them whisper
bout that girl being 'too black'
and I see us not saying anything
and allowing them to criticize
that one thing she can't change
I hear them talking about
light skin versus dark skin
when in reality ... in the end
all black people have black skin

we come in rainbow hues
with different eyes and hair and features
and there is nothing wrong with that
but we act like there is
so what if homegirl is a little thick
so what if that skinny girl looks like a stick
so what if one has 'good hair'
and the other's hair is 'nappy'
cause at the end of the day
we all need to find a way
to be happy and ok with our blackness
that thing we can't ever change

separated internally from the essence of us
negating our heritage and the strength of us
refusing to stand up and unite inspite of them
those who use us to divide us and break us

we are so separated and it saddens me
because I see so much beauty in all of me
and I think that light skin girl is beautiful
and that nappy headed girl is amazing
and that one with the straight hair is pretty cute too
I love the beauty of the darkness
the beauty of the fair
the beauty of the nappiest roots
the beauty in the straightest 'good hair'
and I want us to unite
stop separating and fighting each other
because that one thing they make us fight about
is that thing none of us can un-color

02.21.07

HEALING ME

I want to be free
of these memories
of the way things used to be
before US became you and I

I want to be able to
laugh at a joke
without imagining
if you would have laughed too

I want to be able to dine alone
at my favorite restaurant
without remembering
all the times you ate there with me

I want to be done with crying
because you are no longer with me
and I want to be free of this pain
not having you leaves me with

I want to move past this anger
at the things I swear you did
the things that ruined what we had
and left me feeling so much pain

but more than that
I want to love again ... fully
I want to trust in love
and believe that it can happen

I want to have faith in love
have faith that everything
won't end up terribly
the way you and I seemed too

but I'm not ready .. and I know that

I am still so broken over us
the dissolution of our perfect union
that I can't even imagine another
standing in your place
looking in my face

so I sit here ... crying and praying
and grieving ... for what was
and what we could have been

knowing that I can't do anything
or be of any use to another person
until I have healed my broken heart
and revived my broken spirit

02.08.07

RETURN TO SANITY

weak in the midst of my agony
I allowed others to convince me
that I was wrong for feeling anything
other than what they determined was
appropriate given the time that had
passed

they negated my process
stifled my grief and created in me
a pain so deep I didn't want to wake up
I didn't want to do anything but hurt
and with no one to listen to me
I quietly spiraled out of control

I was self-mutilating my spirit
making small incisions on my psyche
just to find a way around the agony
of my broken heart
slowly I died on the inside
but I kept a smile on my face
for them

until one morning, when I was so lost
all I could think to do was pray
and I did ... with every fiber of my being
I asked God to heal me ... to give me peace
to help me find a way to do more than
exist in the midst of it

and when I rose up ... it was apparent to me
that what I needed to do more than anything
was express my emotions and allow my pain
to breathe ...

open the doors of my heart
and allow the agony to flow like a river
away from me ... so that I could at last
be free

free of silent pleas
and the feeling of complete invisibility
the silent raging in my soul
finally had a voice and it was loud and clear
and eventually ... I healed
eventually ... my heart was whole and my spirit
was at peace

who would have ever thought
that expressing my pain was the quickest way
to let it go ... and move forward
no longer stuck in a holding pattern
around my pain and misery

I was able to take flight
and soar into the realms of peace
and emotional well being ...
I finally found a way back to me

Fire
02.06.07

BACK TO ME

I remember the first time I cried
because someone did me wrong
and I remember asking them
what had I done to make them do this

I remember all the tears I've shed
since that first time I was left hurting
and I wonder, in retrospect
why it was so easy to take on the blame

So I went on a mission, a soul journey
to find my true self and the source of this
inability to place blame accurately
and this tendency to internalize everything

And I realized that I couldn't take a compliment
without negating it
and I couldn't accept a gift from someone
without gifting them in return
and that I couldn't accept help from anyone
without feeling I owed them a debt
and I started processing the reality of me

I was so used to being misused
that I'd become used to it ... it made sense
and I'd forgotten the most important person
I would ever have in my life
I forgot ... myself

So I took a sabbatical from love
and I spent time with myself
relearning who I am and relearning my worth
I took the time to fall in love with me

I accepted responsibility for my failures
but I also gave the other party theirs
I accepted that I was lonely
but realized that it wasn't gonna kill me

and I took the time to look at myself
took the time to appreciate myself
took the time to love and honor myself
and that was the beginning of a better me

a me that was whole and honest with self
that demanded respect from everyone
a me who wouldn't accept half-hearted attempts
to come into my life and be rebuilt in my love
even as their negativity and misery broke me down

and I am still walking the path
and still learning how to love myself
but it isn't nearly as hard now
as it was that very first time

That very first time, I looked in the mirror
and I said 'I love you' to myself for the very first time
and I cried ... like I would never stop ... I cried
but it was cleansing ... washing away years
of negation and subjugation and forgiving myself
for taking so long to love me

and my journey to my current state of peace
was begun ... and I have never looked back
I am free of other's opinions of me
and I no longer see myself through
them tinted shades
I see myself as I truly am
beautiful
and deserving
and complete
and totally and irrevocablyin love with me

Fire
02.14.07

HIDDEN (rev.)

my smile
is not a visual representation of my happiness
but a mask
for a river of pain carrying me downstream

my laughter
is not an auditory extension of joy
but a distraction from misery hidden so well

my offer to listen to your problems
is a distraction from an anguish
i can't bear to hear

my offer of a shoulder for you to lay on
is an attempt to keep you from seeing
even a glimmer of my pain

i have become adept
at hiding my inner turmoil
through my attempts to support you
in your times of need

but one day
it will all come to an end
because one day
my pain will win
and i will walk into the arms of release
from this world of agony and despair
i exist in silently

Fire

WHAT YOU INSPIRE

when I think of you
I wish I could sing you a tune
I wish I could write the greatest love song
because that's what you inspire in me

I sit and lose time thinking of all the ways
I would make you happy if given a chance
I think of all the heartache I've endured
the worthless suitors, the useless deceivers
and I feel myself smile on the inside
because somehow, your arrival
has made all of them worth my pain

if all I endured molded me to be what you needed
then I would walk through hell one more time
just to guarantee I end up here, with you, again

you inspire me to dig deeper and try harder
you inspire in me a need to truly evolve
into my true spiritual self simply because
perfection is what I want to be for you

I want to be the reason your eyes light up
the reason you smile every morning
and rush home every evening

I want to be the pep in your step ... the sun in your sky
I want to be a full moon rising, shining light on our life
I want to write beautiful sonnets and odes to our love
I want to create the greatest love story
unlike any that's ever been told

I want to absorb your pain and carry your load
I want to fight your demons and heal your wounds
I want to be your everything
because I know that's what you will be

I want to be your weakness ... as you are to me

Fire
08.09.06

ADDICTION

I want to be your addiction
that thing you can’t imagine
going through your day without

I want to be your heroine
slowly injected into your vein
so that I can race through your body
and make my way to your beautiful heart

I want to be your crack
heated slowly so that I can become smoke
inhaled surreptitiously so that no one sees
as I alter your reality … take you with me

I want to be your weed
gently rolled and held so lovingly
as you touch fire to me and inhale
slowly and deeply … waiting on me to
ease your aches and pains and make you feel
free in the release of me

I want to be your LSD
so that I can go to that place you hallucinate
as you allow me to take over your reality
alter the You and help create the We

I want to be that little white pill
X marks the spot where you pop me in your mouth
and lose yourself in the peace I bring
as I work my way through your blood stream

I want to be your addiction
that thing you can’t quit
… and FUCK rehab
love your addiction … rest in me
harbor no desire to be free of the reality of We
as I slide through your body in every form
becoming whatever you need
and me taking you
to new manifestations of our reality

yeah … I think that’s it … I want to be
your addiction easing into obsession
your obsession becoming a necessity
the first thought of your day
… last act of your night
you inhaling, injecting, absorbing, reflecting
all the things that make me
your preferred mode of transport
to the reality of We

Fire
08.23.06

DIVINITY

My adoration of you
borders on worship

wanting to lay offerings at your feet
wishing to be blessed in your divinity
I sit around thinking of new ways to
shower you in the rainfall of my adoration
even as I court the anger of our Father

idolizing you .. indulging in idolatry
and unable to do anything more than
wash myself in your beautiful divinity

you are my diety .. the one I kneel before
in supplication and abject admiration
the one I risk eternal damnation for
because your beautiful spirituality leaves me
speaking in a new language
... the language of divinity

speaking in tongues to Our Father
asking for you to be protected and blessed
begging Him to always keep you near
and thanking him for blessing me
with his most divine creation ... you

I come to you ... heart and soul in hand
begging you to bless me in the beauty of your
never ending and divinely rendered spirituality
so that I can stop worshiping you
and start serving US in the church of WE
even as I court eternal damnation for indulging
in worshipful idolatry
... and begging you to forever love me ...
divinely

Fire
08.21.06

Tiger Lillies and Fairytales

Ever wonder how you find yourself
In the exact same place time and time again?
Ever wonder if you are the root of your own
Broken and disjointed belief system?
Is it possible that you are the reason
You are so woefully unhappy?

I’ve yet to find an answer… only more questions
More curiosity about what shouldn’t
And doesn’t make sense to me
And yet I sit her … kinda wondering
While pretending that I totally understand
Why pain is my familiar
and why rejection is what I expect in the end

I remember being told that we create our realities
But I can’t imagine that to be the case here
I’ve wanted many things in life
But never have I wanted to live without breathing
Or to exist in a constant state of mild panic
No … I can’t imagine that I chose this
And the loving, optimistic me
Won’t accept that this is my truest reality
That this place is where I will always find myself
In the end

So I put on my pretty face
And I speak positive words with conviction
Because I really can’t imagine that it should be
Any other way in the end
But sometimes I wonder
If I should put away my tiger lilies
And allow my fairy tales to fade
So that breathing outside of what I believe in
Won’t seem so hard to do

Bearable existence
Perhaps that’s what I should be
Reaching for, striving for
Creating for self

How sad it makes me feel
How sad to imagine that life really is
Nothing more than a kind of purgatory
Where your dreams are just out of reach
And love is only a prelude to pain
And that nature is nothing more than death
Cycling repetitively to show us our finiteness
So again … I choose not to think it
Even if it does feel much closer to the truth
Than the possibility of ever having
A happily ever after ending

Fire
06.24.07